www.dowcipy-angielskie.info

. A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(local): 472

. A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(little): 573

. Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(mrs): 1062

. A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks, 'What did you do?' The woman says, 'I committed adultery.' The priest says, 'How many times?' And the woman replies, 'Three.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.' A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' 'What did you do?' I committed adultery.' r 'How many times?' 'Three times.' The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.' The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The rabbi says, 'What did you do?' The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.' The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?' The woman replies, 'Once.' The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( priest): 1504

. A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(jewish): 1162

. A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(panda): 579

. Three couples are dining together. The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey". The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar". The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( couples): 257

. Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(men): 478

. "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(what): 347

. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 84

. A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double." The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(salesman): 869

. How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 98

. A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(salesman): 534

. Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot." At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(shoe): 371

. A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( software): 444

. Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 90

. Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 104

. Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 105

. Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 126

. Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 130

. There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'. Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(where): 363

. A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(old): 453

. Q: What kind of snake is good at math? A: An adder.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 54

. What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog? A fangfurther.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 70

. What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet? Wait until he's finished.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 86

. What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 66

. What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 71

. Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 85

. What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 53

. Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 47

. What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 76

. What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 61

. President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(dubya): 453

. What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink ? Gravi-tea !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 72

. A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(woman): 384

. Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 75

. How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 74

. Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 62

. Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(were): 113

. Where do football directors go when they are fed up? The bored room!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 73

. "Please, ma'am! How do you spell ichael?" The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael?" she asked. "No, ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(please): 164

. School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(doctor): 102

. How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for, isn't it?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 89

. First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it. Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when to stop.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(witch): 125

. The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name. "Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan," he replied. "How do you spell that?" asked the manager. "Er ? sir ? er ? can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(young): 231

. Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 96

. What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 70

. What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(happened): 84

. Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 101

. A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend, "he's an undertaker."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 493